High profile company seeking highly motivated self-starter with desire to work in cutting edge field
By: Andrew Lyman
I will consider your application for the consideration of this article. Let me assure you that you are at the top of the running of some very qualified individuals. This has not been an easy weeding out process. We had literally hundreds of people apply for this position, but, as we all know, only one person can be selected. It is my job to do everything I can that the person selected is the right one. It will then be that special person’s job to do whatever I am told and hire someone else to hire someone else to execute it all.
You will, if you are selected, be compensated for your life, but not at all adequately. If you are willing to give us the best of your years, your spark, and your imagination, we promise to reconfigure your deepest desires to suit our own interests. You will become a tool to be utilized by tools and you will be expected to thank them for the opportunity. You will believe that everything you are doing with no input on your part is for your own good, up to, and including, the point of feeling genuine satisfaction. Your true loves and passions will be re-regarded as hobbies, and you will never get a chance to do something that you could be very good at - only something that anyone, and we do mean anyone, could do. Your entire life will be spent treading water in a stagnant sea of formless, directionless commerce. After years of service it will be implicit that you move up, and you will be rewarded accordingly. As the level of difficulty of the position decreases, your level of pay will increase in accordance. This will keep the people with the most mindless and laborious jobs poor, and the people who mindlessly think they have the most important jobs rich and happy. With luck, no one will ever get anywhere.
If you have the good fortune of being selected for our “creative” team, your salary will be increased so that you will continue to think you must be doing something interesting. Your job will never grow more enriching no matter how many inserts or billboard ads you design. You will never be afforded the opportunity to accomplish anything more than spending your allowed weekends furthering your career in social settings. You will be permitted to re-convince yourself once a year that what you are doing is really innovative and cool, and that you have done great things because people have seen it in magazines.
You will be allotted one day per 90 days of work to look at pictures of yourself and talk to your old friends to remember who you could be, but we really encourage you to hang out with just your work friends. Should you realize what you have been hired to do has no bearing whatsoever on the enrichment and advancement of anyone or anything anywhere at any time, you will be replaced - regardless of the amount of life you have given to our company. This only works because none of us realize that nothing is going on. I can tell you have no idea either, so, congratulations, I think you got the job.
If you should chose to decline this opportunity, we highly recommend that you do only that which fascinates you from now on. Either do that, or come to work for us. You have our guarantee that the world will be fine if you never happen to it. Think of this as an opportunity to quit yourself. Thank you in advance for your time.
