Ransom Notes

A wise man once said, “Don’t need nothin’ but a good time.”  Okay, the man was not that wise: this was sung by Brett Michaels, lead singer of the quintessential hair metal band, Poison, a band so dolled up with makeup on the cover of the Look What the Cat Drug In LP that they could have passed as somewhat attractive women.  Then again, maybe he is a wise man.  He is still signing up for season-after-season of Rock of Love, where mostly beautiful women, all be it stripper-hot women, compete for his affections, and he seems to have sex with around 3.02 a season, the same number of ladies that James Bond bags per film in our limited research.  Also, the aforementioned sentiment, whether he intended it or not, was also the credo of the hair metal “movement.”

The sound, look, attitude, and lifestyle was all about women, drugs, rock, and, of course, fun.  We all know that with the first few notes of “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” Curt Cobain effectively kicked most of these makeup clad and over-hair sprayed rockers out of the arenas and into the dingy white trash clubs, and this was probably for the best in terms of ushering in an overall better quality of music.  However, let us not forget that there were some gems in this era, and some of these songs still sound great today and mostly because they remind us of simpler more care free and fun times.  Today, we pay tribute to the Top 10 Hair Metal Songs of all time, so put on some eye liner, rip some frayed holes in your acid washed jeans, and get ready to rock.

First, it is necessary that we establish some criteria for this list:

1. There are some bands that recorded terrific songs, and would release some albums while dressing the hair metal part, but their best work was before they went that route, like Ozzy Osborne, whose best stuff died with Randy Rhoades before he really started looking like a glittery heavy metal madman.  Def Leppard also had some great stuff, but their only real hair metal record was Hysteria, and while those songs are good, none of them quite edge out these ten.  Some stuff on Pyromania and the song “High and Dry” would get on the list easily, but back then they weren’t wearing quite enough tacky crap.  Dio’s “Rainbow in the Dark” is a terrific song, but while Dio did like to swing cool swords and things, watching the music video, the boys in the band weren’t quite glammy enough.  The Scorpions were a near miss because some of their outfits were goofy enough, but there just wasn’t enough hair spray.  Plus the songs, some which were quite good, were a little too straight forward rock oriented rather than that straight glam vibe.  Similarly, Guns N’ Roses had a flare for the over-the-top, but they are also just more of a super-cool rock band.  Also, they were just way too . . . good.  To put them on this list would be a bit of an insult.

2. There are a lot of ballads on here, yes.  Perhaps that is because those songs hold up a little better with less squealing guitars and vocals. For example, give a listen to Skid Row’s self-titled record.  “Youth Gone Wild” is a good rocker, but most of the other loud stuff is pretty wretched, while “I’ll Remember You” manages to still sound good and nearly secured a spot on this list.  Tesla’s “Love Song” is probably better than every song on this list, but they just didn’t dress quite stupid enough. Many of you will be thinking, ‘where the hell is “Every Rose Has its Thorn” by Poison.’  Well, there’s no other way to put this: Although that song has a special place in the hearts of countless people worldwide, it’s really a pretty awful song sung by an awful singer with an awful, awful guitar solo.  Sorry, but it’ true.

So, without further ado, here are the Top 10:

10. Cum On Feel the Noize: This song, Quiet Riot’s biggest hit, was actually a cover from 1973 by a band called Slade, with a singer who sang it almost exactly the same as Riot’s Kevin Dubrow would sing it, but the band punched up the guitars, rocking their Metal Health album, behind this song, to number one on the charts.  It’s heavy but it’s happy.

9. “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake: This song is a rock and roll anthem for the ages, and Tawny Kitaen will always be remembered for doing the splits across two cars and trying to molest singer David Coverdale as he drives, miraculously not crashing.  Even if it’s a little dorky, it still gets your fist pumping when you’re driving in your car.

8. “Wanted Dead or Alive” by Bon Jovi: “I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back.”  Wow is that dumb, but the song is a lot of fun.  It’s cowboy hair metal, which is a category onto itself.

7. “Talk Dirty To Me” by Poison: This song, video, and band are the perfect representation of Hair Metal, but the song doesn’t quite hold up as well as the ones you will see below.  Also, it was basically a rip-off of Personality Crisis by the New York Dolls, but then again, all these bands kind of stole their look and sound, so what the hell.

6. “Fly To the Angels” by Slaughter: Mark Slaughter’s vocals so seamlessly switch from crooning to screechy-on-the-brink-of-obnoxious, and this song kicks ass because or perhaps in spite of that fact.

5. “Still of the Night” by Whitesnake: Yes, it is true that David Coverdale wanted to be Robert Plant from Led Zeppelin in a bad, bad way, and this song is the closest they would ever get to sounding as good as Zep.  Settle down: we said close – not as good.  There is a good progressive rock kind of twinge, and again, Tawny Kitaen is hot as hell in the video.

4. “Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi: We are all a little sick of this one because it’s played at the bars a million times, but notice that everyone always sings along?  They sing because it’s a good song, but they also sing because the story is one of blue collar love and hope in the face of poverty, loving each other through tough times.  It’s a good story not unlike one that fellow New Jersey rocker Bruce Springsteen would tell.

3. “I’ll Never Let You Go (Angel Eyes)” by Steelheart: This is probably the only song on this list that completely sucks, but it’s so darned fun.  This guy hits some high notes that are as remarkable as they are unnecessary, and what a big finish!  This one gets on just for the laugh factor, but it’s fun enough and so defining of the hair metal era that it gets rocketed up the number three spot.

2. “Home Sweet Home” by Motley Crue: The Crue were probably the best hair metal band if there were some quotient/formula for the band that did the most drugs, humped the most groupies, wore the most makeup, killed the most ozone with their hair spray, and had the most arrests.  However, some of their songs were really great, and this is one of them.

1. “Don’t Know What You Got Til It’s Gone” by Cinderella: Songs don’t get a whole lot better than this, ever.  Yes, we said it.  This song is tremendous, and it will give you chills.  Yes, chills from a hair metal song – it’s that good.  Some would say that this just a rock band that got pressured into wearing all the garb to sell records, and while that is true, they wore it, and this song is the best song made by anyone who dressed the part, by far.