Ransom Notes

Be sure to note that these are the best hit songs, so your favorite deep cut off of an Animal Collective record does not qualify. These are all amazing songs that managed to crack into the mainstream. Also, remember that these are the opinions of Matthew J. Swanson, and not the opinions of everyone at Thirsty. So, on with the list . . .

10. “No One Knows” by QOTSA: To me, QOTSA’s third record was a bit of a disappointment (and every successive record has been worse), but this song, with Dave Grohl’s thunderous drumming, was a definite bright spot. Their first two albums were two of the best heavy rock records of all time, but they didn’t have a big enough hit on them to qualify for the list. Still, this song kicks major ass.

9. “Jesus, Etc” by Wilco: I suppose the hit off this record was “Heavy Metal Drummer,” but that song, while it is a lot of fun, is not at all representative of the wonderfully somber sound of this album, nor is it among the best cuts on “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot.” That being said, I think that so many people bought this record, that most everyone knows “Jesus, Etc.” too, right? No? Well, maybe not, but you can’t keep “Foxtrot” off a list like this.

8. “Someday” by The Strokes: I’ll admit that “Last Night” was a bigger hit than this one, but I always liked this one better. I still think “Someday” was a big enough hit to qualify, and also the video had The Strokes playing “Family Feud” against Guided By Voices, and there’s nothing wrong with that. This record was like the great rock hope when it came out, it made many best records of the 2000’s list, and with good reason.

7. “Bohemian Like You” by The Dandy Warhols. I remember hearing this one in the car just as I was parking, and I stayed there listening the whole time to hear who was singing it. The Dandy Warhols! What a terrific name. This album was really good too, easily their best, and this song still sounds fun and can really pump you up. “Bohemian” was questionable as to whether it was a hit in the true sense of the word, but I’ve heard it in two or three different commercials, so I think it qualifies.

6. “Yeah!” by Usher: I can’t remember another song that would come on at the bar/club, and everyone would start dancing, or dance harder if they were already dancing – and I can’t remember a song quite like that since, at least not a hit dance song that continued to have that impact for a full year like this one seemed to.

5. “Parabola” by Tool. “Schism” was perhaps a more popular song, but this one’s better – that guitar outro alone should put it on just about any list of goodness. These guys don’t get enough credit for being extremely talented and making some of the most interesting, progressive, heavy music around. It could be argued that their stuff is as good and in some cases better than 1980’s hey-day Metallica (their first five albums). Maynard writes tremendous lyrics too: “This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality. Embrace this moment; remember, we are eternal; all this pain is an illusion.” Man, that sounds like what I had to tell myself every few days when I hated myself in high school . . .

4. “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley: You have to admit that no one sounded quite like these guys. I saw them live, and it was a trip to hear unbelievably soulful sounds coming out of a 5’5” goofy looking dude (Cee-Lo), to see Danger Mouse orchestrating everything from behind his keyboard, rocking his big afro, and on some songs they had good looking girls playing violins, affectionately called, The G-Strings. This song has everything: It’s an R & B type song, yet it has a haunting nature and a heaviness to it. “Crazy” still sounds amazing and important.

3. “Do You Realize” by Flaming Lips: This song goes beyond just being a great song, which it is, but it has something to say. Wayne Coyne always has something to say with his lyrics, and at a live show, when he stops to talk, you actually give a shit – you’re not just saying, “All right, get back to the music.” His message makes you feel like you’re part of a cult, and all the fuzzy animals do not make you think it’s an all together sane cult to be a part of, yet Wayne makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside, not unlike a warm and fuzzy bear suit. It’s not a stretch to say this song, with its powerful live ‘life while you’re still alive’ message, is one of the most important songs in rock music since “Imagine” by John Lennon. Yeah, deal with that.

2. “Hey Ya!” by Outkast: I remember substitute teaching in a poor all Black neighborhood on the West Side of Chicago, and I heard a student singing the vocal part during the breakdown of “Hey Ya!,” “You know what to do-oooo.” It got me thinking, this is a song that reached everyone. The hipsters liked it because Outkast is a rap group that gets lots of praise from critics, the hip hop folk like it because it fucking bumps, little kids liked it cause it was perfectly quirky, silly, and fun, and the old folks like it because it sounds like a song that would be made if Sly Stone were making his best stuff in the 2000’s. It has universal appeal, and it’s good, unlike “Smooth” by Rob Thomas and Santana, which had a lot of crossover appeal, but it was undeniably dorky.

1. “Float On” by Modest Mouse: This was the song of the summer when it came out, and as it happens, it was the most miserable summer of my life. However, it was one of those songs that could perk me up when I was feeling down, which was most of the time, and it still has that effect. It’s a lot like what “Don’t You Worry ‘Bout a Thing” by Stevie Wonder or “Lovely Day” by Bill Withers were to the 1970’s, and it’s saying something that “Float” is still a great feel good song years later, just like those other two; and that’s great company. Put it on. I dare you. Try to feel shitty.

A wise man once said, “Don’t need nothin’ but a good time.”  Okay, the man was not that wise: this was sung by Brett Michaels, lead singer of the quintessential hair metal band, Poison, a band so dolled up with makeup on the cover of the Look What the Cat Drug In LP that they could have passed as somewhat attractive women.  Then again, maybe he is a wise man.  He is still signing up for season-after-season of Rock of Love, where mostly beautiful women, all be it stripper-hot women, compete for his affections, and he seems to have sex with around 3.02 a season, the same number of ladies that James Bond bags per film in our limited research.  Also, the aforementioned sentiment, whether he intended it or not, was also the credo of the hair metal “movement.”

The sound, look, attitude, and lifestyle was all about women, drugs, rock, and, of course, fun.  We all know that with the first few notes of “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” Curt Cobain effectively kicked most of these makeup clad and over-hair sprayed rockers out of the arenas and into the dingy white trash clubs, and this was probably for the best in terms of ushering in an overall better quality of music.  However, let us not forget that there were some gems in this era, and some of these songs still sound great today and mostly because they remind us of simpler more care free and fun times.  Today, we pay tribute to the Top 10 Hair Metal Songs of all time, so put on some eye liner, rip some frayed holes in your acid washed jeans, and get ready to rock.

First, it is necessary that we establish some criteria for this list:

1. There are some bands that recorded terrific songs, and would release some albums while dressing the hair metal part, but their best work was before they went that route, like Ozzy Osborne, whose best stuff died with Randy Rhoades before he really started looking like a glittery heavy metal madman.  Def Leppard also had some great stuff, but their only real hair metal record was Hysteria, and while those songs are good, none of them quite edge out these ten.  Some stuff on Pyromania and the song “High and Dry” would get on the list easily, but back then they weren’t wearing quite enough tacky crap.  Dio’s “Rainbow in the Dark” is a terrific song, but while Dio did like to swing cool swords and things, watching the music video, the boys in the band weren’t quite glammy enough.  The Scorpions were a near miss because some of their outfits were goofy enough, but there just wasn’t enough hair spray.  Plus the songs, some which were quite good, were a little too straight forward rock oriented rather than that straight glam vibe.  Similarly, Guns N’ Roses had a flare for the over-the-top, but they are also just more of a super-cool rock band.  Also, they were just way too . . . good.  To put them on this list would be a bit of an insult.

2. There are a lot of ballads on here, yes.  Perhaps that is because those songs hold up a little better with less squealing guitars and vocals. For example, give a listen to Skid Row’s self-titled record.  “Youth Gone Wild” is a good rocker, but most of the other loud stuff is pretty wretched, while “I’ll Remember You” manages to still sound good and nearly secured a spot on this list.  Tesla’s “Love Song” is probably better than every song on this list, but they just didn’t dress quite stupid enough. Many of you will be thinking, ‘where the hell is “Every Rose Has its Thorn” by Poison.’  Well, there’s no other way to put this: Although that song has a special place in the hearts of countless people worldwide, it’s really a pretty awful song sung by an awful singer with an awful, awful guitar solo.  Sorry, but it’ true.

So, without further ado, here are the Top 10:

10. Cum On Feel the Noize: This song, Quiet Riot’s biggest hit, was actually a cover from 1973 by a band called Slade, with a singer who sang it almost exactly the same as Riot’s Kevin Dubrow would sing it, but the band punched up the guitars, rocking their Metal Health album, behind this song, to number one on the charts.  It’s heavy but it’s happy.

9. “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake: This song is a rock and roll anthem for the ages, and Tawny Kitaen will always be remembered for doing the splits across two cars and trying to molest singer David Coverdale as he drives, miraculously not crashing.  Even if it’s a little dorky, it still gets your fist pumping when you’re driving in your car.

8. “Wanted Dead or Alive” by Bon Jovi: “I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back.”  Wow is that dumb, but the song is a lot of fun.  It’s cowboy hair metal, which is a category onto itself.

7. “Talk Dirty To Me” by Poison: This song, video, and band are the perfect representation of Hair Metal, but the song doesn’t quite hold up as well as the ones you will see below.  Also, it was basically a rip-off of Personality Crisis by the New York Dolls, but then again, all these bands kind of stole their look and sound, so what the hell.

6. “Fly To the Angels” by Slaughter: Mark Slaughter’s vocals so seamlessly switch from crooning to screechy-on-the-brink-of-obnoxious, and this song kicks ass because or perhaps in spite of that fact.

5. “Still of the Night” by Whitesnake: Yes, it is true that David Coverdale wanted to be Robert Plant from Led Zeppelin in a bad, bad way, and this song is the closest they would ever get to sounding as good as Zep.  Settle down: we said close – not as good.  There is a good progressive rock kind of twinge, and again, Tawny Kitaen is hot as hell in the video.

4. “Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi: We are all a little sick of this one because it’s played at the bars a million times, but notice that everyone always sings along?  They sing because it’s a good song, but they also sing because the story is one of blue collar love and hope in the face of poverty, loving each other through tough times.  It’s a good story not unlike one that fellow New Jersey rocker Bruce Springsteen would tell.

3. “I’ll Never Let You Go (Angel Eyes)” by Steelheart: This is probably the only song on this list that completely sucks, but it’s so darned fun.  This guy hits some high notes that are as remarkable as they are unnecessary, and what a big finish!  This one gets on just for the laugh factor, but it’s fun enough and so defining of the hair metal era that it gets rocketed up the number three spot.

2. “Home Sweet Home” by Motley Crue: The Crue were probably the best hair metal band if there were some quotient/formula for the band that did the most drugs, humped the most groupies, wore the most makeup, killed the most ozone with their hair spray, and had the most arrests.  However, some of their songs were really great, and this is one of them.

1. “Don’t Know What You Got Til It’s Gone” by Cinderella: Songs don’t get a whole lot better than this, ever.  Yes, we said it.  This song is tremendous, and it will give you chills.  Yes, chills from a hair metal song – it’s that good.  Some would say that this just a rock band that got pressured into wearing all the garb to sell records, and while that is true, they wore it, and this song is the best song made by anyone who dressed the part, by far.

It’s my favorite New York City bar, my favorite New York Dolls song, and now it’s my favorite way to get trashed.

Friends and family filled Bowery Electric June 7 for the release of “Poisoned Heart”, the story of Vera and Dee Dee Ramone. Mickey Leigh, Marky Ramone, Bob Gruen, Bebe Buell, Danny Fields, Jeff Magnum, and Jimmy Webb all mingled as Vera signed copies and the back room became a dance hall as Ramones music played. Best part of the night – laughing outside with Danny Fields and sharing a dance with Jimmy to Iggy’s “China Girl”. A perfect New York night honoring one of New York’s punk heroes.

TALES FROM BACKSTAGE…

Friends and family gathered at New York’s Hiro Ballroom for Bebe Buell’s single release party June 24th. All the usual suspects, from Mick Rock to Bob Gruen, to Bebe’s daughter Liv Tyler, packed the room. The crowd threw air kisses and yelled “I love you” as she took the stage, looking more beautiful than I’d ever seen her. It was a great night, filled with the spirits of friends past – Bebe sang a song penned by Johnny Thunders, and paid tribute to close friend Joey Ramone with her song “Black Angel”. With Iggy Pop speaking at an event across town, it was a great night for punk and a great night for Bebe. Air kisses! Our exclusive interview with Bebe is HERE.

MERMAID TALES…

Chili fries and 64-ounce beers, elaborate costumes, sword swallowers, and naked people in the street – it must be the Coney Island Mermaid Parade! This year’s King Neptune, Harvey Keitel, was the main attraction, but I was more impressed with the legions of mer-people who braved the (endless) New York rain to get crazy at Coney. I ran into my friend Joe Coleman outside the Freak Bar, where we shared sips of beer from a gold-plated skull. Only in New York and only at Coney Island! Check out our interviews with the genius of Joe Coleman HERE.

THIRSTY FOR MORE?

My sources tell me the upcoming Joey Ramone biography is done and scheduled for release in December! Read our interview with Joey’s brother, Mickey Leigh, HERE….Chicago’s own Graham Elliott appeared on “Top Chef Masters” this week! Check out our exclusive video interview with the chef HERE…And finally, one more shot from the street. Neckface lives! Send your “Shots from the Street” to info@staythirstymedia.com and if you’re lucky I’ll put them in the next TRASH!

xoxo slm

Oasis – “Lord Don’t Slow Me Down”

The documentary of the massive 2005 tour gives us a totally different look at the equally massive British band. I’m obsessed with this for any number of reasons, number one being that I’ve been head over heels for Liam Gallagher since I was 15. I used to cut his pictures out of my Sugar! magazines and gluestick them into my journal. (Sugar was the UK equivalent to Bop or Tiger Beat. I could only get it at Barnes and Noble in the mid 1990s). This film, shot entirely in black and white save a few candid moments, is beautiful, hilarious, and grand – just like Oasis’ “Whatever”, “Married With Children”, and “All Around the World”, respectively.

I’m also obsessed with the scene of an unaware Liam being filmed dancing alone pre-show. His weird leprechaun-footballer-jig is too ridiculous for words. It finally displays a humanity these guys have hidden for more than a decade. They’re rock stars, but they still play board games, get sick, and love their girlfriends. And the live shots from Manchester Stadium will give you goosebumps. AND there are cameos by Richard Ashcroft! Brilliant!

“Goin’ Out West” – Tom Waits

Top notch travel song. Comes on right as we round a stretch of highway I ate up nearly every weekend back in college. Never mind that I’m really goin’ east.

“CB Song” – Th’ Legendary Shack Shakers

I’m so partial that I find a reason to stick this on any list, but in this case it’s spot on. Nothing short of badass, this trucker tale reeks of cab sweat and stale coffee. With a smoky on his tail, this diesel-driving daddy chases miniskirts all the way to the truck stop.

“Olympia WA” – Rancid

Getting back into these guys after shelving them for years. So important to my formative years (i.e. getting drunk in backyards, discovering punk rock) and these voices still sound fresh. “Cars passin’ by, but none of them seem to go my way.”

“Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)” – Motley Crue

Remember this video? Vince in bed, all ratty-haired in a black wifebeater, his chick long gone. On the phone with Tommy and Nikki, strolling down the Strip. Kicking it out in a rehearsal space, classic Crue. Still in love with these guys.

“Get Rhythm” – Johnny Cash

Because you can’t have a road list without him!